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“But when it comes to putting broken lives back together- when it comes, in religious terms, to the saving of souls- the human best tends to be at odds with the holy best. To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do- to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst- is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed by the holy power that life itself comes from.” -Frederick Bruechner
One thing I don’t like at all is being out in the ocean. Stepping into the ocean, even a few inches into the water… I don’t like it. Not one bit. I fear all the things underfoot I can’t see- spiky shells, warm and cold currents, the way the sand moves under my feet, pulling me, seaweed clutching at my ankles. I don’t like the unpredictable rhythm of the waves. My muscles seize up, I become rigid, I curl into myself. When the waves hit me, instead of “going with the flow”, I stand like a wall and get knocked down, pulled under, drowned and beat up. I realize it’s my own fault, and yet I can’t help myself. I’ll choose a mantra and silently repeat it to myself, “relax, breathe, relax, breathe”, trying to coax my body into fluidity, realizing that the waves wouldn’t have the same power over me if I could just unclench my body and move with the water.
I’m not sure what triggered this phobia of water. Maybe it was the very vivid memory of being thrown into a pool as a tiny person and the person coaxing me to swim towards them constantly moving just out of reach. Maybe it was seeing JAWS as a little girl. Maybe it was only being in a pool once year at motel swimming pools and never learning to swim until college age.
Whatever it is that created this powerful fear, it’s real.
FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
What is it you fear? How does your fear manifest itself in your body and psyche? How do you combat your fear?
Today, I’m identifying some of my fears and working to determine if they are rational or irrational; if they deserve to have control over my decisions or if they need to be let go. Today I’m unclenching, unfurling and asking for bravery in the face of these fear.
Will you join me?